If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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