Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
