Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
