i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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