So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
