alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Someone signed my nipple.
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