Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
