i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
