Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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