Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
