filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
