I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
