Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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