i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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