Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
