You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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