So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
