My underwear smells like fireworks.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Man, jail baloney is awful.
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
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Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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