I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
