I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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