I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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