3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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