she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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