A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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