I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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