in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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