i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
