I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Threesome in a minivan. New low
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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