Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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