We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
