i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
