I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
