I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
