in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
