my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
