Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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