remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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