Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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