Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
