Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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