Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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