a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
