I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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