Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
