Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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