If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
