I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
