Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
