I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Found your dick twin last night
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
whose parrot is this?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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