Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
