I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
