Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
