my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
