I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So much rum. So many feels.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
