You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
