i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
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I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
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His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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