last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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