i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
