I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
