help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
