this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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