The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
